Office work

I figured if I'm going to find things to bitch about, I'll add work on to my blogs. Originally, I just wanted to pick up a job so that I could pay for the 3 birthday run that we have every summer. My boys and my youngest daughter all have birthdays about 2 weeks apart at the end of July through August.

I was willing to work part-time anywhere and in all reality; I was looking at a supermarket or something. Well, seeing as I spend entirely too much time on the internet, I went looking for work and made the mistake of submitting my resume. The first job I submitted to, responded. I had an assessment which asked that I type at least 45WPM. I thought for sure I was going to tank so I set it in my mind that this job was not for me. I got 66WPM.

I was hired almost immediately but I had to wait a week and a half to start (due to 4th of July three day weekend). The place looks like a mental asylum from the outside. The only way you know anything is at this place when you drive up is the concrete sign that contains 3 building numbers. There are 2 wrought iron gates and a sign that states that this is a private property. No, this isn't creepy at all. When I applied, I wondered what the hell this place did. I thought maybe it was a government job, but obviously it wasn't seeing as government places of work have nifty buildings.

When I interviewed and when I got the job, I had to fill out confidentiality forms. Oddly, I didn't get a copy, I'll have to look at that now that I think about it. I assume this "confidentiality" is all about not disclosing what companies we review and what research is done. I know that a portion of it states that something or other will cause irreparable harm to the company. Somehow I doubt that.

Anyhow, I start working, pretty good pay (which apparently I'm not allowed to disclose either) and the supervisor isn't breathing down my neck, a DEFINITE plus from other jobs I've had. I literally have a three wall cubicle and the ONLY one in this office with a wall in front of me. Everyone else has either window access OR a cubicle with sight of a window. Ok, shit rolls downhill, I can hang with that. It's business "professional" meaning men wear ties and women wear pantyhose. I can hang with that although the way these people dress and skirt the "professional" part is NOT by any means "business professional." Additionally, I can’t hang anything on the blank wall….fuck it, I’ll make my cubicle really obnoxious then.

I decide to pretend that I'm working for a reputable company that cares for its employees (they don't exist when it's corporate). The first thing I look at is how they are about family. A lot of women are pregnant, but as someone pointed out, get a bunch of women within childbearing age together and you have inevitably a baby boom. I ask about "bring your child to work day." The answer I receive is, "Our former president was a lot more strict and conservative, but our new one has kids, you should submit it to the suggestion box."

I have looked into this box and realized that the concerns are addressed in a newsletter that has no rhyme or reason when it comes out. In order to even find it, I have to dig through the shared company files in obscure folders (don't ask). The responses that I've read, across the board are, "we're looking into it." Subsequent newsletters have shown that they have not, in fact "looked into it." This of course is no surprise seeing as this is a company that makes insane amounts of money and therefore doesn't HAVE to care about anything but their bottom line, and OH do they.

There have been suggestions ranging from having healthier foods at lunch (they provide lunch every day) to having tables outside for when the weather's warmer. Some of these things have gone through, some have not. I've heard of people getting sick from the food here, so I am very picky when it comes to what I choose to eat. The "lunchroom" which is NOT its official name, is a creepy building. For those of you that are video game enthusiasts, if you've ever played Resident Evil 4, it looks pretty much like the house at the beginning that you come to. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, the creepiness factor in this “house converted into a lunchroom” ranks up there with a house after a murder has occurred and it's been cleaned up.

The statements that I've heard about lunch are, "our boss provides us with lunch out of the kindness of their heart. We are grateful and thankful for everything they do." Sounds like a mantra to me. There's a reason that lunch is only 1/2 an hour and provided. Tax write-off, the employees don't have to leave campus to eat lunch (unless they REALLY hate the food), and there's no risk really of the employees breaching that laughably vague confidentiality agreement that I mentioned earlier. Let me insert my opinion and what I know to be true, at least in a corporate job. There is NO kindness of heart. Everything has a bottom line and you are just a stepping stone.

Indoctrination is used in this job and others. You are led through orientation, shown what the company expects from you and how grateful you should be that you work for this place, when in reality it is they who should feel honored that I decided to work for them. You are "instructed" on sexual harassment, what it means and how to "avoid" it, although apparently nowadays breathing in someone's general direction is sexually intimidating. Another laughable instruction is that of "diversity training." In the last video I saw, there's a pregnant woman talking to a coworker in the break area. She tells her coworker how tired she is of being pregnant and how hard it is to be so big. There is a lone coworker sitting in the table adjacent to them. The pregnant lady looks at the other coworker as she speaks about being big, raising her eyebrows in a move that I would interpret as attempting to include him in the conversation.

The video begs to differ. It states that because of such an insensitive remark and the fact that she looked at him when she said it, the employee will be distracted all day wondering why she looked at him (he's tubby). This will cause a decrease in productivity. Again, it's not about the guy's feelings....it's about the bottom line. Don't get me wrong, I'm opposed to racism and prejudice. However, I'm also opposed to the cry baby society we've nurtured. "Wahh someone looked at me when they said 'big'!!" Yeah, if you put down the Twinkie, you wouldn't have that issue.

"Waahhhhh someone complimented my hair/nails/perfume/etc. I feel sexually harassed!" Get off of it. You're probably fat and/or unattractive and DEFINITELY have no sort of self-esteem and have to call "sexual" attention to yourself so that you and others believe that you are desired by the perverts. Before I get the hate mail, let me clarify that actual sexual harassment is an awful situation; I've experienced myself and in one job, asked to "sweep it under the carpet." However, every single implication nowadays cheapens the legitimate claims.

Here's where it gets interesting. I sat through a very important meeting with the heart of the decision makers. There were about 10-12 people in the room at the time. Someone (one of the decision makers) commented on the metric system. Someone else responded that it would never work because the Southern States are not smart enough. There's a time and place for comments like this because, let's face it, they WILL be made. During a meeting where decisions are being made is NOT that time. In the same meeting, as these people make decisions to approve or deny medical research ethics, the head of the meeting was on face book!!!! *I* would get fired for being on face book and I get paid a whole HELL of a lot less than this doctor who is vested in making decisions for the medical field and it's ok?!?!

It doesn't end there, the same day, a nice woman, I say nice because you can tell when people are nice and just suffer from "foot in mouth" syndrome, was the person taking me and guiding me through the meeting. She spoke of multiple children and how it was the "Latin way." This, after she knew I was Latin. I had a good chuckle. I'm not offended; I'm not going to go to HR or my supervisor or even hers to complain. But it goes to show that companies are hypocritical. Earlier today, I was told by my supervisor who thus far had been just fine and dandy by leaving me alone, that I was not allowed to eat at my desk (I was having a rice cake lol). There is one particularly obnoxious person (we all know a couple) who complains loudly and often about her aches, ills and pains. She speaks very loudly about how hungry she is and hits up one of the other ladies who apparently is a vending machine. The supervisor has said nothing in the time I've been here. Not more than an HOUR after I was informed of the "no-eating-at-your-desk" policy, a woman 3 cubicles down was making the "movie theatre rustle" with her bag. The obnoxious one asked if she was eating Honey Nut Cheerios and the other woman responded that she was. It was a loud conversation. The supervisor said nothing. My next cubicle neighbor is currently munching away on something or other and does constantly...still nothing.

The security systems that are in place are also hilarious. For the first two weeks that I worked here, I did not know my ID card was also a passkey. The main building has an entrance into the offices. I didn't know I needed a passkey for that entire time. I finally informed someone and the problem was fixed. Let me state that I have not had a background check done and no drug testing (although it would be moot, I don't do drugs). Great security for a company that makes you sign a confidentiality agreement just for visiting huh?

Let's talk about the place itself and the employees. Everyone walks around as if they themselves are lunatics. Yes they are. They're cubicle zombies. There are some that sit on desk chairs, others that sit on exercise balls. Some use them because they're much more comfortable than sitting on an office chair. Others claim that they are "injured," "in pain," etc. The office requires a medical note stating that the ball is a medical necessity. WHY? This is retarded. There are a couple of women (ok, more than a couple) who complain about back pain, hip pain, knee pain, leg pain, the list goes on. Someone just today stated that it was too "cold" in the office and we should turn up the heat. NO! Heat breeds illness and these nasty bitches don't even wash their hands! In the same vein, pantyhose are demanded to be worn. I can only IMAGINE the nasty crotch cooties these chicks have going on. I’ll be getting a medical exemption for that (the pantyhose, not the crotch cooties).

She said that the "cold" was hurting her hips through her feet, agonizing pain because she got in a nasty car accident. I sympathize with those that are injured, I really do. However, she was busy yakking away at her cubicle friend 4 cubicles down and when her phone started ringing, she stampeded toward it. Where's the pain? Another one walked by and said she was freezing and that she sleeps with a fan and A/C on her. She said she was in so much pain it hurt to come to work. Both of these women are...."less-than-skinny" and by that, I mean fat. I'm not even close to kidding. They walk and the floor shakes, my monitors jiggle and my water does the Jurassic Park movement. The obnoxious one has a slew of health issues apparently and the need to rescue animals and try to pawn them off to co-workers. She's also very pushy when it comes to matters of social networking. I made a fake account to add my coworkers to, SIMPLY so that she'd get off my back. Srsly? Who adds co-workers that you don't know AND your supervisor to a social network? As if bitches don't backstab enough!

The obnoxious one, the “less-than-skinny” one (it should be noted if it wasn’t before, that the obnoxious one is tubby too….a lot) and the overachieving sole male on our team are permanently attached to the supervisor. They walk over to the desk where she sits (RIGHT next to my cubicle) and make lame jokes, tell her about a recent call, talk to her about personal problems and I hear all of this. The supervisor responds in the standard, sterile manager response. “Oh really?” *chuckle* These people remind me of the little dogs I mentioned in my previous blog. They do things to impress others, in this case, their supervisor and then run back to get a pat on the head and a scratch on the belly. Have some integrity will ya? I think my work quality should speak for itself. I’m not here to make friends; I’m here for my paycheck. I don’t HAVE to like you, but I do have to be courteous and work with you.

I've found the loopholes though. Every time a rule isn't upheld across the board, I'll slack a little more. I am the QUEEN of loopholes, medical excuses and bellyaching. I leave jobs on MY terms and I get away with anything I want to get away with. My next blog I will dedicate to showing you some loopholes and tips on how to slack and get away with it. If you want specific tips or have specific questions, leave them in the comments and tell your friends to follow my blog!! Until next time!

P.S. just got paid for 3 hours of typing this blog and pretending to study up on the job. SCORE!